Reflections On The Big 4-0

Summer 2016
This is what 41 looks like on a good day. I am mature enough
to say that I can love myself in the face of disappointing life goal "failures"
and focus of my blessings instead.

I turned 40 last August, and hit another birthday this week. This year was much less emotional than last. As I approached 40, I was filled with regret and remorse for not achieving even half of my life goals, set by my pie eyed, twenty year old self. This year I am resigned to being 41, in my forties, middle aged, fat and forty.  This may sound cynical, but really, I am past my coming of age induced depression, and am looking at life differently. I haven't accomplished the goals set 20 years ago, but have been successful in many other ways. The first time I had an age induced crisis, was in my teens. The teen years nearly killed me, literally. I almost didn't survive it. So when I finally grew wings at 19, and had a transformational year that birthed dreams, goals, and a life plan. I flew with it and had some of the best years of my life. Nothing in life has been as easy as the years between 19- 24, seemed.

The one thing I would tell my 20 year old (know it all) self, make goals but roll with the changes when life doesn't work the way you hoped or planned.  Also, don't burn your bridges. I prided myself in cutting out toxic people or situations, but lacked the grace to be humble about it. I burned a lot of bridges, and was judgmental. I would tell my twenty year old self to keep the confidence and independence, but temper it with grace and humility. But chances are, I wouldn't have listened anyway...

Memory Lane

1980
My 5th birthday
My birthday often falls near Labour Day weekend so people often can't commit to
coming. I had one person out of 15, show up to my McDonald's Party two years after this. So this party stands out as a success, for committed attendees, and low on the disappointment scale.

1990 (pictured left)
 My grade 8 prom, age 14
My memory is fuzzy for these 4 years, I hated myself. I hated high school.
I had a few friends, and ate lunch outside every day of the year to avoid drama.

1999
Married my college sweetheart
I was 23 and had no idea what real life was going to be like.
Of course I thought I knew it all. I still look back at my college years
as the happiest years of my life.

August 2009
 Days before my 34th Birthday and 39 weeks preggo
We waited a long time to have a family, it was exciting and
scary all at once. Kind of like my first tattoo.

January 2016
I found out I needed bifocals, six months after turning 40.
The list of ailments and aches grows each week.